I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was born a porn star she said
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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