Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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