you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
