i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
