I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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