At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
me + whiskey = a bad person
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
