is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
