she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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