If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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