Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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