dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
