How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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