I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
