its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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