I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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