Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
