he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
this boner is exhausting
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
