I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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