Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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