he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
