A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
