I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
