my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
