I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
