Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
