I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
