I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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