I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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