and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he thought i was a dude.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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