Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
