First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
