Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
