i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
