Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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