i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
