a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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