Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
