dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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