The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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