Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
