He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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