Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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