I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
