I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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