Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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