i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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