I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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