I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
