His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
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