Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
