Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You smell like stripper and shame
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
