Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
