I think im going to throw up on grandma
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
