Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
