is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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